<\/p>\n
Heretic\u2019s Creed is intended to be blog about theology and the historical\/linguistic context of religious texts and viewpoints.\u00a0 However, once in a while I get an itch to write about the more personal aspect of religion in my life.\u00a0 I have decided to dedicate a post in <\/i>Heretic\u2019s Creed to this purpose from time-to-time.\u00a0 This is the first installment of said posts. \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n
<\/i>I often marvel at my own desires.\u00a0 Things I regard as meaningless, shallow and utterly without value inexplicably remain an emotional catalyst of my behavior.\u00a0 Though I refute them intellectually, I carry many irrational secret longings.<\/p>\n
One such guilty desire is fame.\u00a0 Very simply, I want to be known.\u00a0 Preferably as a novelist, but I\u2019m not picky as long as it\u2019s positive.\u00a0 This urge has possessed me since I was a small child.\u00a0 My history is littered with half-finished books, demo discs of flamed-out bands, and bit parts in college plays.\u00a0 I even tried to write a rap song once.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t go well.<\/p>\n
This wouldn\u2019t be a problem if I could keep my pipe dreams in their proper, non-emotive locations.\u00a0 I hear myself say, time and time again, \u201cI am a pragmatist.\u00a0 I chose a career that is beneficial to society.\u00a0 I chase my dreams in my free time, and if they don\u2019t pan out, well, I will have 40 years of human service to hang my hat on.\u201d\u00a0 This is, without question, a true statement, however, I am emotionally incapable of accepting it.\u00a0 The way I feel about myself, and the way I relate to others is affected more by my foolish dreams than my rational plans.<\/p>\n
Example:\u00a0 I have a friend who was a successful rock musician for about 10 years.\u00a0 His band was signed to a moderately large label and he made a living recording music and touring.\u00a0 Furthermore, he is incredibly kind, humble and fun to be around.\u00a0 There is not a more \u201cdeserving\u201d person in the world.\u00a0 But when I see his albums on the shelves or his picture in a magazine I am 10% happy for him and 90% inconsolably depressed and unabashedly envious.<\/p>\n
I have been examining my response to my friend\u2019s fame.\u00a0 I can honestly say it is no ill will toward him, fortunately.\u00a0 My response is purely internal and self-absorbed.\u00a0 Seeing his fame reminds me of my lack-there-of.\u00a0 Digging further, I have been trying to trace the origins of my need for recognition.\u00a0 I am a modestly well-adjusted, tax-paying citizen, so what is the root of this anomaly in my self-concept?<\/p>\n
Doubt.<\/p>\n
What I thought was purely a psychological problem is, in truth, at least partially a spiritual problem.\u00a0 When I assess my motivations earnestly, I discover I am truly a pragmatist after all.\u00a0 Fame is my eternal life contingency plan.<\/p>\n
If I am wrong about humans continuing a postmortem existence in some fashion, then creating a legacy on Earth is the only means of attaining immortality.\u00a0 Granted, it\u2019s a poor substitute for eternal life as described by the Judeo\/Christian\/Islamic traditions, or even in comparison to reincarnation of the Buddhist or Hindu variety.\u00a0 It barely even beats out the ancient polytheists\u2019 concepts of Dis or Hades.\u00a0 But it\u2019s better than nothing.\u00a0 I guess you could say I am diversifying my immortal portfolio.<\/p>\n
So if there is no continuation of life-after-death and our consciousness ceases to be, the only people to live on are those that create a lasting impression in some way.\u00a0 I think this is why it stresses me out when I think about my failures to achieve notability.\u00a0 My safety net isn\u2019t hung yet, so if I die anytime soon, I will return to dust and be forgotten.<\/p>\n
The knee-jerk response is to say \u201cwell you family and friends will remember you!\u201d\u00a0 But I am looking at the big picture.\u00a0 To live on past a few meager generations of direct associates, I would have to create memorable imprints in those I have never interacted with.\u00a0 If you write a riveting book, revolutionize public policy, or touch the hearts of the masses with music, a record of your existence will continue to influence the human experience for as long man exists.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s what keeps me writing.\u00a0 That\u2019s also what wakes me up at night in all-consuming panic.\u00a0 I want to continue to exist.\u00a0 In consciousness or in memory.\u00a0 I want to live.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Heretic\u2019s Creed is intended to be blog about theology and the historical\/linguistic context of religious texts and viewpoints.\u00a0 However, once in a while I get an itch to write about the more personal aspect of religion in my life.\u00a0 … Continue reading